Presence Matters, and So Do You

Being in the same place at the same time is not the same thing as being present.

This is why so many people are lonely even when they are with someone, whether it’s in a relationship or on a date or in a friendship or a family relationship/dynamic.

It took me years to understand why I felt alone even when I was never alone. Not only that, I felt less alone when I was actually alone.

I struggled with anger, frustration, and sadness, when I tested someone’s attention because I thought maybe I was imagining it: I would stop talking in the middle of a sentence to see if they were paying attention, and the truth is when I first did this I knew they weren’t but I was hoping I was wrong. After some time, I did it to confirm to myself that what I thought was happening, was really happening. Confirming to myself that I wasn’t crazy. Why I continued to do this for so long, I can’t tell you. Maybe I thought it would change. Maybe I thought I could be “better” and “worth listening to.”

I didn’t understand yet what the battle was that I was fighting.

What I discovered was so simple:

We can be with someone who is having the same external experience we are having, but their mind or their heart can be someplace else.

I also discovered that although this showed up repeatedly in my life, it wasn’t a reflection of my worthiness (or what I saw as a lack of.) It was me choosing people who resembled what I thought love was. It was me choosing emotionally distant people.

And I discovered how much this hurt me.

And I discovered this was why undivided attention had become so important to me: important that I give it, and important that I receive it.

It took me a while to process all of that but ultimately I raised my standards

and allowed myself to choose differently.

My relationship with my children is special, partly because of this. And not only do I reap the benefits of this in my family and in my marriage, but in my friendships and working relationships too.

Being present and knowing the person I’m with is present is game changing.

If you would like to learn how to be more present in your own life,

with other people or with yourself,

let’s talk. You can book a call with me here.