“My partner doesn’t understand me, it’s so frustrating. I’m being crystal clear. ”

“I love my partner but I just don’t understand him/her. I don’t know what to do.”

“My partner tells me I never understand them …I’m trying! But maybe they’re right.”

Do any of these sound familiar? Have you ever felt the frustration that so many of us feel when we are in one of these situations?

We are not responsible for how others interpret (or misinterpret) or understand (or misunderstand) what we say, however, I believe we are all responsible for what we communicate.  

What do I mean by this? What’s the difference?

I mean simply that we need to back up what we say: say what we mean and mean what we say. 

It is not enough to lean on the fact that we are “communicating” if our behavior is not communicating what our words are communicating.  We can’t just be out here all willy-nilly saying whatever we feel or whatever we think someone wants to hear without regard to how we say it or whether or not we are true to our word. I’m not suggesting we censor ourselves or craft our words to meet the needs of others. I’m simply proposing we be who we say we are: stop saying one thing when we really want to say another.

I think if how we act does not align with what we say, we are in fact responsible for any confusion that is created. And yes, I said created. We are creating confusion when we give our word but don’t keep it.

We cannot blame someone for not understanding us if we are not clear with our communication. 

If we say one thing but behave differently, people might believe our actions instead of our words and that is no one’s fault but our own.  Or, they might believe our words instead of our actions and again, this accountability is ours. Sometimes people choose to believe words if the actions are painful.  They might see what’s right in front of them but if the words feel better and soothe their nervous system, they may choose to believe those words instead of what they see. Either way, we are mistreating and disrespecting another person when we do not align our words with our behavior.  Yes they have free will to choose what they believe but we too have free will and we are being irresponsible with another human if we are not honest and clear with them.  

If we “communicate” about something with words but then behave differently, and then conclude that the person “doesn’t understand” … how are they supposed to understand us when we say one thing and then behave in a way that does not match what we said? Are they supposed to understand our words or our behavior or our energy?  Which one is it? I think the answer should be: all of them. Because they should all match each other.

This kind of conflict shows up in intimate relationships, workplace relationships, families, and friendships. It can show up in many different ways, for example:

Do we want a partnership (words) or do we want to be in control? (behavior)

Do we love someone unconditionally (words) or do we show up for them only until they start making choices we don’t like? (behavior)

Do we stand by our beliefs even when there are consequences, or do we betray our own words, ourselves, and sometimes people who trust us, by choosing ego over integrity?

I think we are responsible for this alignment and it is on us, not others, if there is a breakdown that results from this. 

Actions speak louder than words. Not just for other people but also for us. 

If you are struggling with confusion in a relationship and would like some support, please reach out to me. Click here to schedule a time to chat, or drop me an email at jacqueline@hearttimescafe.com.