Sometimes In My Dreams

Sometimes in my dreams we get the call.

You know, the one where they tell us the cancer is gone.

Sometimes in my dreams my husband drops his head and says “praise God.”

Sometimes in my dreams I lose my breath for a second

and almost lose my balance

and our world spins in a good way.

Sometimes in my dreams they tell us we don’t have to go back for any more doctor visits or treatments or medications.

Sometimes,

in my dreams,

my heart is racing

and I’m looking at my husband

and I just hold him

and feel the tears soaking my face

and I tell myself, “oh it’s okay, these tears are happy tears!”

and I’m so relieved.

Beside myself.

I can hardly believe it.

And then I open my eyes in the dark

and find myself holding him

so I kiss his head,

my face

soaked with tears,

and as my heart shakes a little and I wonder how many hours until we get up for the next appointment,

I tell myself, “it’s going to be okay, these tears are grateful tears. These are faithful tears.”

And I just leave them there on my skin and choose to thank God in advance

for the day

we are cancer-free.