The Small Things Are Sometimes The Biggest Things

Sometimes I dream about my children in ways that make me miss them even when they’re in the same house as I am.

Last night I dreamt of my first born son and we were on a video call, and he was so excited that my birthday gift had arrived and I was confused because I hadn’t sent it yet, haha!

I woke up missing that smile and excitement even though in reality we had just spoken on the phone in the last 24 hours and he’s only a few hours away from me.

Today is the first time since he’s been born that I’m not spending his birthday with him. I realize it’s probably silly to think about since he’s 22 today and I know eventually we stop seeing our kids for every single birthday but it’s hard for me, I’m just being honest. There are little things every day that we don’t share because they’re not “social-media-worthy” but sometimes little things to everyone else are really big things to us and that’s okay.

I spent years not knowing if I’d be able to be a mom. My family wondered “what was wrong with me” because “no one else ever had this problem.” It was not easy to see people having babies without even trying or choosing abortion while I was trying and failing to keep a baby full term. After several miscarriages my doctor told me I had a wall or something in my uterus and that I wouldn’t carry this baby to full term either and that if I did he wouldn’t fully grow or grow properly. I was devastated that day and I don’t remember what made me refuse to believe him but I remember that I refused. I don’t know what my uterus looks like because I’ve never been in there to look at it but he made it and no other doctor ever mentioned that again. I was hospitalized during the first trimester and overheard the ultrasound technician discussing with another technician that she saw another embryo sac meaning this baby had a twin who didn’t make it. I was dazed and overwhelmed. No doctor ever told me that during my hospital stay or afterwards, so I never knew if it was true or not and I didn’t speak of it. When my son was very little he would talk about his brother who wore a green baseball hat and I knew it could’ve been an imaginary friend but I also knew what I had heard that day in the hospital. I’m sure he doesn’t remember that but I will never forget.

I know that mothering looks different for every woman. Parenting looks different for every mom and dad. Loving looks different for every person, and I know that for me, our children are my absolute favorite people in the universe. There’s no naming whose uterus they belonged to because they all belong to me regardless and my heart wouldn’t be the same without even just one of them.

As I sit on the porch with my coffee this morning and remember seeing my firstborn for the first time, and think of where he is today, I’m overwhelmed with gratitude, pride, and love. There are many people who have made it possible for me to be the mom I wanted to be and I will never not recognize that fact.

Every baby is a miracle.

This was my miracle baby - my once-upon-a-time small embryo sac - who gave me the biggest and greatest gift of my lifetime: the gift of motherhood.

Our babies don’t stay babies forever …

but they are still always our babies.

UPDATE:

Thank you for sharing in this moment, it felt like a milestone for me. We sang happy birthday on zoom with his friends and roommates and the birthday cookie pie that we had delivered 😍

Celebrating each other is as beautiful as we choose to allow it to be! ❤